The past week, I was meeting Jesus in random situations and in random places. Ok, maybe the situations weren’t so random… but nonetheless, I was surprised but happy to meet Him there.

I am grateful for scars. Sure, they bring up all the memories of failure and the fear associated with it. I have scars all over my knees and legs from small & big accidents over the past years. I also have lots of relational, emotional scars. I often think about how dumb I had been to be in that situation or how I could have avoided it all together. But I’m grateful, because I’m constantly reminded of how I am always in need of being redeemed, how I’m constantly in need of a savior, and how because of that… I can move on with life.

Why is this so significant to me? I’m one to hold the past so closely that feels like the present. I re-live moments over and over again and function out of the fear of the mistake I had once made… everything from deciding to climb a fence to sharing depth with the wrong person at the wrong time. BUT, I have been experiencing a freedom in learning to let go by trusting Jesus to bring new life (& new skin!) into those areas of my life.

Scars are no longer negative reminders for me, but reminders of hope.

 

Yay.

It’s been three days without a job.

I guess I should take advantage of this time to gather myself for the new year… but I feel so restless.

Maybe it’s a sign of some “rest” issues.

BAH.

less.

I haven’t slept very well the past few nights. I’m a pretty heavy sleeper, and I knock out not too long after I hit the bed. But it’s been harder to do that. It’s that feeling of being half awake and aware of what’s going on… even though you’re “sleeping.”

I woke up at 4 am, thinking… “why am I up at 4 am?!”
Then I couldn’t help but feel I needed to pray.

But I chose not to.

Now I wonder what I just missed.

Because right after that, I had a sad dream of loss, hopelessness, loneliness, and abandonment. What the heck?

What have I missed even though I was consciously awake? I obviously wasn’t alert. What blessing did I miss, God?

Ok.

So now as a working woman, I’m starting to appreciate those microwaveable meals. They’re convenient… they taste okay (I’m not picky). I’m sitting with my LeanGourmet chicken alfredo florentine meal… and I realize why it’s called LEANgourmet. It’s not that it has any less calories in the actual meal or any of that technical fancy shpancy stuff. It all comes down to meal size. In other words, the portion is small.

Woo. Go weight loss.

Another realization I had today… actually, it’s more of a “ah! I remember” is how dangerous steam is. Stupid me thinking I can handle opening the microwaveable meal straight out of the microwave. Let’s just say my thumb is currently in the state of numbness out of shock from being exposed to such high temperatures. At least I know that my reflexes are working.

All these lessons from a microwaveable meal. Go figure.

Other than that, I get to see Tim Be Told today with UCI people!

 

—–
Now that I think about… maybe this is a normal sized meal. And I just eat big portions. I guess there has to be some sort of sacrifice to be a normal person.

There’s something so powerful and moving of voices worshipping.

It’s been hard to get up in the mornings the past two days.

I’m not sick. I’m not dying of some disease… but everything within me just doesn’t want to deal. Ever heard of escaping? Feeling overwhelmed has gotten the better of me and I simply just cannot go do it. I’m awake in bed each time I snooze… “just 5 more minutes” of laying there dreading the day and what it has to bring. 5 more minutes of dwelling in this deep hole.

I always anticipate the worst before it’s to come. And that anticipation is agonizing and painful… and I act really dumb.

When I think about it… it all comes down to trusting God with the places that I have no control over. I want to invest in all the students, but I know that I can’t. If I quit my job, I wouldn’t know where the next one will come or if I’ll even find one. Where am I going to find community if my commitment is to the ministry and not being able to invest in church as much (or the way that I would like to)?

And yet… God tells me not to worry. I think about Jesus and his disciples… and yeah, they were provided for, from food to a place to stay. Now can I trust that?

That’s a good question.

I got to go home this weekend. Just to enjoy being home and getting my thoughts together as I start planning for the upcoming weeks with the UCI students.

 

Once at home, I remembered that I had a box of of notes and letters that got passed around during high school. I had a whole box full that I was keeping… it never occurred to me why I was holding onto these things, these random scribblings in between classes, sometimes about nothing and sometimes about everything.

It’s true. It’s been a while since I’ve really seen high school friends, let alone have a deeper conversation that goes beyond “hey. what are you up to these days?” over AIM.  But by holding onto these notes, I’ve been holding onto these friendships, whatever I remember about these people I spent my lunch times with, studied with at Barnes & Noble, went to homecoming and prom with… etc. These notes carried the remnants of my relationship with them, or so I thought.

But today, after 5 years, decided that these notes don’t anything for me anymore. Sure, they hold sentimental value, but the depth of the relationship would be reflected in what I have TODAY and that looks very different from what the notes say.

I’m not saying that I’m throwing away my past memories with these notes, and I’m not blotting out the existence of my high school past (as much as I would like to forget them sometimes). These notes don’t bind me to these old friends. Nor do they determine what my friendships are now. Putting my value into being a good friend by holding onto these notes… don’t mean much anymore.

It was a moment of growing up… but it wasn’t hard. I actually had a lot of joy in throwing that box full of notes away. But with it didn’t go my friendships.

So, hello, dear freedom.

 

but other than that, I was tired of being a pack rat.

 

the end.

How can I just sit in this office and work when everything within me screams out? I don’t even know for what reason, but all the emotions, feelings, experiences have been picking away slowly at what I thought was a wholesome picture of me.

The caffeine probably just adding to this frustration. Heightening my sense and feelings and EVERYTHING.

 

But in the midst of this gloom, peace is more noticeable. Last night, I sat in the back seat of my car in silence, talking with J in my head. Sitting in the back of the car, hearing nothing but the sound of rain, and the sweet voice of J… nothing could have been better.

Even in my frustration, thank you. You are so much brighter, more colorful, and so much more beautiful against the heaviness and darkness. Thank you, Jesus.

I’ve never really tried knitting before. Well, maybe once sometime in my time in college (obviously, I never finished whatever I had started then).

So, yesterday, I asked my roommate to teach me.

Maybe I’m not made to knit, because my “scarf” is actually really really horrible. I’m thinking about using it as something else, not a scarf. It can be some sort of abstract art on my wall.  Although the product of my knitting = disaster, I’ve come to like the process. I was sitting knitting this morning, and all these thoughts went through my head. The act of repeating something over and over again really helped me to think. It’s almost like my hands were doing their own thing while I reflected and thought about what’s been happening around me and in me.

So thank you, knitting needles and yarn. You bring me closer to God.

Right now in Irvine, CA at 12:31 am, it is 56 degrees. There’s no doubt that it’s going to only get colder.

I actually enjoy this weather. Sure, the uncontrollable chills that you get from leaving a warm room into the biting cold can get annoying,… but that’s what walking’s for! The feel of the crisp air stinging the exposed face and chapping the lips while the rest of your body lies under three layers of clothing, rosy cheeks, breath that produces little puffs of fog, hands clenched tight in gloves/mittens, hair and ears covered by the hood of the jacket,…

I think fall/winter is one of the most beautiful times of the year. Of course, we don’t physically “see” much of that in Southern CA area, not in the mountains (the snow, the bare trees, frozen lakes, snow, snow, and more snow), but I see/feel/hear/taste it in the weather. And when you’re cold, you notice more how wonderful it is to be in the light and heat of the sun. Ah… the sun with it’s healing power of warmth and light.

“But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.” Malachi 4:2

And the weather reminds me of how much I need the sun/son in that biting cold. Irreplaceable. Irresistible. Jesus.

Now… only if it would snow!